Most people hope that one day they’ll have children and raise a family. As you’re most likely aware, however, trying to conceive isn’t an easy journey for everyone. For a perfectly healthy couple, it can take as long as a year to get pregnant while couples with other pre-existing conditions can take longer. Though there are innovative technologies and advancements in medicine available today that have afforded couples the ability to conceive, there are still lots of people unable to fulfill that dream.
Whether you’ve suffered several miscarriages, you’ve gone through several failed fertility treatments, or you’ve been told for one reason or another that you’ll never be able to conceive a child of your own, the news can be devastating. Like losing a loved one, you grieve the loss of the child you never had. This can be an emotionally challenging ordeal to get through.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
Failing to deal with your emotions after struggling with infertility can only make matters worse. There are couples who have broken up or gotten a divorce, started behaving recklessly, and even developed mental illnesses that lead to the dependency on drugs and alcohol. Jobs are lost, friendships ruined, and everyday life becomes increasingly difficult to get through. If you have experienced any of this, you should seek help from your doctor, a counselor, or an outpatient drug treatment program to get your life back on track.
How to Grieve Infertility
Though feeling as if your dream of starting your own family is traumatic, no one wants their life to spiral out of control. Therefore, you have to allow yourself to go through the grieving process while also learning healthy ways to cope. Below is some advice on how to do this.
Know the Stages of Grief
One of the first things you want to familiarize yourself with is the stages of grief. This is ideal so you’re aware of where you are emotionally, how to cope, and when to get help. There are essentially five stages of grief. First, there is denial. This is the stage where you’re hit with the news you’re infertile, your treatment wasn’t successful, or you’ve miscarried. Though your doctor is telling you and backing it with data, you’re in pure disbelief.
Next, there’s anger. This is when you become aggravated or even enraged that this is happening to you. After anger comes bargaining. At this stage, couples often go to extremes to try and conceive despite the news whether it’s changing their diets, exercising more, trying herbs and supplements, or considering experimental treatments. After bargaining, reality starts to kick in and you become depressed. You might isolate yourself from others, feel long periods of deep sadness, stop enjoying life, and more. Lastly, there is acceptance. This is a good stage where you’ve come to terms with what’s going on and are willing to move on with your life.
How to Get Through
Though everyone will go through these stages in various orders and different lengths of time, it is possible to come out on the other side. It will take some time, patience, and understanding of your emotions and needs. Below are a few suggestions on how to get through this grieving process:
Communicate
While men and women may show emotions differently, there’s no doubt that your partner is just as distraught as you are. Talking to each other can help you to grow closer while also soothing each other’s emotions.
Surround Yourself with Love
You may want some time to yourself after finding out about your infertility to sort through your emotions. Some space is healthy, but too much time away from the people you know and love can lead to depression. Though it may be difficult, find a small circle of people you can be around that will lift you up with encouraging words, love, and support.
Never Neglect Your Health
It can feel like all you want to do is to lay in bed and wait for the end of the world, but that’s not living, nor is it healthy. Your health must remain a priority throughout this grieving process. If you’re not mentally and physically strong, coping with your emotions isn’t as easy. Not to mention, it creates other problems in your life (i.e. medical issues). Make sure you’re still eating, drinking, exercising, and getting enough sleep every day.
Look Into Other Options
Once you’ve gotten to the acceptance stage you’re prepared to look into other ways you can create a family. Whether you opt for a sperm donor, surrogate, or adoption, you can bring children into the world (or into your lives) that need and want all that you have to give.
Dealing with a loss of any kind can be an emotional rollercoaster. However, when it comes to matters of the loss of an unborn child or the loss of your fertility, the pain can run especially deep. As you go through the grieving process, remember the advice above to help you push through. If, however, these tips aren’t working or you are experiencing signs of mental illness or substance abuse, the best thing you can do to get your life back on track, is reach out to experts for help.
About Jammie Morey
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