A healthy relationship is built on good communication. The way two people interact with one another, especially where words are concerned, has a definite and daily impact on their interpersonal happiness and sense of well being. Unfortunately, many people don’t think twice before saying something curt and unproductive to their partner.
Do this enough times, and a once-blissful relationship can be ruined. In the interest of loving communication, we offer these few expressions that ought never be part of a happy couple’s vocabulary.
“You never” and “You always”
This sort of blanket statement is more than passively aggressive; it’s downright provocative. Saying this to a partner is guaranteed to put them on the defensive. In that frame of mind, nobody feels alright. Yes, your partner may do one thing or another with annoying frequency, but rarely does anyone ‘always’ do something.
Accusing another person, especially a mate, can undermine the trust that is essential to a healthy, workable marriage.
By saying something as definite as ‘always’ or ‘never,’ you make your partner feel as if there’s nothing they can do to amend the situation at hand. Instead, take a deep breath and resolve to understand that your mate is probably doing the best they can.
Support their good efforts and they may surprise you by coming through when you really need them.
“Why can’t you be more like so-and-so”
Comparing your partner in a negative way to anyone else is a sure way to set yourself up for divorce court. You don’t even have to utter the words aloud in order for constant comparisons to hurt your spouse. Instead of focusing your view on your partner’s deficits, try to pay attention the good qualities that made you fall in love with them in the first place.
Interestingly, the National Institutes of Health published results of a study that concluded that couples who live in a constant state of marital disharmony are exponentially more likely to suffer from decreased immune system functioning.
Negative comparison of your loved one can not only make them feel sad, it can also make them sick.
“I told you so”
Of all the snide and childish remarks one spouse can make to another, this is one of the most damaging. Nobody is always right, and you might as well face it. Nobody’s always wrong, either. Any spouse who assumes a holier-then-thou stance and wallows in self congratulations is bound to find themselves alone before too long. Couples that can’t stop harping on each other this way may be better off visiting DivorceGuru and getting the whole thing over with.
“Not right now”
There are times when one partner needs attention and the other is busy with something important. But when you stop to think about it, what could be more important than your mate? Instead of saying “not right now,” give a fair estimate of when you will be available to give your better half all your attention. “Honey, ask me again in five minutes” is a much more loving way to let your partner know that you will be there for them in a defined period of time, says Redbook magazine.
Words can heal as well as hurt. If you wish to heal your marriage, don’t be afraid to admit you’re wrong, and don’t insist upon being right all the time.
Elizabeth Rojas writes about all aspects of love, dating and marriage, her articles appearing on a range of women’s lifestyle blogs. Liz is a relationship therapist who has years of experience helping people to sort out their problems and create stronger relationships.
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