So Angry It Hurts

The pain, anger and hurt I feel right now is like no other. I never was a dog person until I went back to Michigan. I never thought I could love or care for a dog, I mean they shed, they crap in the yard and at times they can be down right annoying.

I am angry at myself, because I could have and I should have done more for Yoda and I am angry at Yoda, because he couldn’t control his aggression. It would piss me off so bad when people would say he was an aggressive dog, because he honestly wasn’t an aggressive dog.

I remember when we first got Yoda, he was so small and so innocent.

We took him camping and we hiked and hiked. I remember whenever we stopped he would drop and go to sleep. He was well minded and an awesome dog.

He would allow us to pet him, put a leash on him to walk him. I was able to bath him, clip his nails, he was fine with him and out other dog being in the car together.

At times he thought he was a lap dog.

It was about July or so he started showing signs of aggression. He would still allow use to love on him, however, he would lash out at the other dog, then he started to not be so trusting of us. I have no idea why this was, I am going to assume it had something to do with the male hormones. I noticed a change in him when he started to cock his leg to pee.

At that time I should have got him help, however, I thought it would pass. I was wrong and my mistake has probably cost Yoda his life.

A few times before he first bite me, he had lashed out at our daughter. It was nothing over the top, but it happened. I threatened to get rid of him at that time, but we went and started taking measures to make sure it didn’t happen. In November, was when he first bit me. At that time, my husband said it was enough, I begged my husband not to kill him. Sure, my face hurt like hell but knowing my dog was going to die hurt worse.

I made excuses about it being my fault, I startled him, he warned me and I didn’t back off. We agreed we would give him one more chance. I researched aggressive dogs and how to help them. I started working to train him better, make him work for things.

Things would get better, then he would have an episode. The episode never ended in a dog bite so we just kept trying to help him. He was learning to trust us more, however, he was still very on edge. He would get himself in a situation then growl as if we did it to him. Yoda wasn’t abused and he was very much loved and spoiled.

I was starting to finally see hope for Yoda, he was getting better so I thought.

Deep down I knew Yoda would attack again, my daughter knew she wasn’t allowed to touch him no more, she knew she needed to stay clear of him. I did what I could to protect her all while attempting to save him. While I am thankful he didn’t hurt my daughter or any other child for that matter, it hurts like hell he made the mistake in attacking me which will probably lead to his death.

It hurts like hell I will never see him again, it hurts like hell I will never wake up to him wagging his tail wanting my attention. It hurts like hell he will never follow me around again and annoy the piss out of me, it hurts like hell knowing he will never shake my hand again for a treat, it hurts like hell knowing he will probably be dead in a few weeks.

Does my arm hurt, yes, but no where near as bad as my heart hurts right now. I just feel like I could have done more for him, now he is scared sitting in a kennel at the shelter. He will lash out because of being scared and there will probably be no hope left for him and this will forever break my heart.