Who Needs Friends

Where should I start? I have been extremely stressed out for the past week, with my husband not working, and no money coming in, but lots going out, and not knowing what the hell to do. I have turned to trying to make ends meet online, someone I know introduced me to a company where I could probably make something online to cover some bills. However, I have a different view on myself then others have on me… Well, after tonight I am sure they have even a different view on me, and well, I think I am okay with that. I am use to having that feeling of worthlessness.

Anyways, this person sent me some information to help me in this journey, I put on my big girl panties, and was about to dive in. When I noticed something, so I sent this person an email. The reason for this was innocent, it was NOT in any way to try and act as if this person was this totally bad person, this was simply to let this person know it was against one of the rules for the company, and I didn’t want to see this person get banned for something they were unaware of.

This person also has been under stress and went into defense mode… Someone wants to get hot lipped with me, I will return the hot lips right back… It was getting way out of hand… this person started saying things to who I thought was a friend… the friend told me, and yup I got even more pissed… Because my intentions WAS NOT in no way shape or form to as this person put it “boss them”.

I try to be helpful to everyone and where does it get me? Where I am right now, having to defend my actions to those who I thought were my friends.

When this whole mess started, I took it upon myself to back up, before I started saying, and doing things I would later regret. What do they say when you are overly hot step back, walk away. Well, I guess that don’t apply to me.

I have learned a few things tonight… I am not allowed to get upset, and step back before I say something stupid. I am not allowed to be human, and get upset. I have to explain all my actions and the reason behind them to people who I thought were friends. I know they also get stressed, I know one has stepped back several times before she has said something she would later regret.

I guess I am different, I guess I am not allowed to remove myself from my surroundings before I hurt people with words that shouldn’t be said.

These friends should have also known, that I would not have went and got this person in trouble just to be a bitch.

Did I get pissed tonight? Yes I did

Did I say somethings I may have regretted? I regret nothing I do or say, should I have taken more time before I responded to anything to think some more, probably…

Do I still have two friends, one friendship that was over 2 years, and one almost a year? I guess time will tell… I know they both hate me right now, and well I reckon it is fine…but I will be sad, what can I say,  I am human, sometimes I need breaks before I say stupid shit…